I'm going to be honest here [if not here, where?] and say that I am shocked that I have made it this far. I hadn't realised the significance in saying that a three week fast is as much about perseverance as personal denial. I am tired of all the food that I can have and long desperately for a cheeseburger. But quitting now just isn't an option - as much as I may have tried to justify it to myself yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that yesterday was my hardest day yet. It's boring, it's frustrating, and I'm hungry. This food is not exciting. I'm not a cooking type of person, so I get absolutely no thrill from coming up with great new vegan recipes [without sweetener]. I'm sick of being vegan.
However, God came in such strength last night at LHoP. I'm not saying that it's because Chris and myself [and the church as a whole] are fasting - I'm saying it because He did. And I can see that God coming in His strength is something I can have if I ask for it. I've been asking for all kinds of different things during this fast, and for the most part have received them. Now I feel like if I ask God to come and overwhelm me, He will. So that's what I'll be working on this last week while our church fasts for restoration and our children. Naturally, I'll be praying for those things too [as my two children are bound for the Lord!] but what I need more than anything is for Him to be my everything, and in strength - to show me in a tangible way that He can take care of me better than anyone on earth ever could.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Praise Jesus, our Messiah!
Forgive my exuberance, but I'm really excited! Through this fast God has revealed so much, and also answered prayer in a way I've never experienced. Earlier posts show I am fasting for my brother [Jeremy] to move into the Monastery and have his heart changed by God. Last night, he sent his application and was approved TODAY! Praise Him! We've set a date, the first full weekend in March, for him to move down here. He's pretty nervous now, but I have confidence that God will shower him in such grace that he'll know that God loves him and died for him.
Praise You, Lord, that You have delivered Jeremy to such a place that your people can show him what it really means to serve and love You! Change his heart, that he will seek you out, and accept the gift of Jesus, Emmanuel, our Messiah!
Praise You, Lord, that You have delivered Jeremy to such a place that your people can show him what it really means to serve and love You! Change his heart, that he will seek you out, and accept the gift of Jesus, Emmanuel, our Messiah!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Thought it was Over
You know, a week long fast is a really difficult thing. Of course, most fasts are difficult. But I'm realising that the longer the fast the harder it is. We're well into Week 2 and I am just about sick to death of everything I'm allowed to eat. I ate three bites of hummus and pushed it away. I can't even look at falafel. I do still like fruit [thank you, Jesus!] and am actually willing to try a [gulp!] banana. I know. It's a big deal. I can see now that the Daniel fast is as much about remaining on a restricted diet as it is pushing through, pressing on, and perservering through two more entire weeks.
Two days into our second week [yesterday] I thought to myself, "Well, God really isn't speaking much to me anymore like He was last week." I mean, c'mon! Almost every day was some new revelation! I realised that He hadn't given me much the second week of the fast because He has infinite mercy on me. He knew that I would go to class last night and be physically struck with the truths and emotions I would face. I was a wreck, literally, and thought I would be one of the sobbing girls who threw up. It was heavy, man. God showed up like a Champion - MY Champion and put Himself in between me and all of that anger, hurt, and pain.
On the car ride home [all of 7 minutes] I was pretty much shouting to God. I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with the uncertainty! I can't deal with the overwhelming apathy in my family that is postponing things. I can't drive this train, I don't want to, and I'm simply out of strength completely. I can't fight God or man. I'm done, Lord. What will You do with me now? Please take care of my family. Lord, You told me that if I did what You said You would show me our path. My family need to begin our lives, Lord, and we ask for bread. We know you won't give us a stone.
Is anyone as tired as I am? I'm just ready for Jesus to come back. I can't live this life anymore, and need more of Him in it.
Two days into our second week [yesterday] I thought to myself, "Well, God really isn't speaking much to me anymore like He was last week." I mean, c'mon! Almost every day was some new revelation! I realised that He hadn't given me much the second week of the fast because He has infinite mercy on me. He knew that I would go to class last night and be physically struck with the truths and emotions I would face. I was a wreck, literally, and thought I would be one of the sobbing girls who threw up. It was heavy, man. God showed up like a Champion - MY Champion and put Himself in between me and all of that anger, hurt, and pain.
On the car ride home [all of 7 minutes] I was pretty much shouting to God. I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with the uncertainty! I can't deal with the overwhelming apathy in my family that is postponing things. I can't drive this train, I don't want to, and I'm simply out of strength completely. I can't fight God or man. I'm done, Lord. What will You do with me now? Please take care of my family. Lord, You told me that if I did what You said You would show me our path. My family need to begin our lives, Lord, and we ask for bread. We know you won't give us a stone.
Is anyone as tired as I am? I'm just ready for Jesus to come back. I can't live this life anymore, and need more of Him in it.
Tempting
Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.
Before lunch, I took Jacob on a walk outside. While down in the cul-de-sac I turned and looked at our home. And there were at least 20 shingles missing!!! I can't begin to tell you the panic that came to me then. I mean, crap! Why does this stuff always have to happen when my husband is deployed?
So I called USAA (insurance) and got some answers and figured that no matter what I'll be struggling with a little menage a trois between me, them and a roofer. Joy.
Then I went inside to make the baby a lunch. Why was it mac and cheese? I wanted to bury my troubles in its cheesy goodness. But that is precisely the kind of behavior that I'm trying to put a stop to. I was able to push through and make a veggie and bean burrito and a bowl of soup.
So fast forward to the late afternoon. I had to take my husband's car in for state inspection. I choose to do all of our car stuff at the Toyota dealership in Chesapeake. They are a bit slow but that have a nice new facility with a kids play room that has a TV and a door and everything. So I can just sit in there with Wild Man while he has fun for 2 hours.
I also brought my car in for some crazy lights that popped up (again) on the dash and once again were nothing. But I was informed that my car failed inspection (!?!?!) because of two tires. What? They were both passenger side tires. So rather than drive the car home, search for cheaper tires then get them put on and then return for another inspection I just decided to go ahead and get the tires put on right then and there. I paid maybe $20 more per tire there, and I think it was worth not having to turn it into another 9 billion trips.
Well, start temptation round #2. I was heading home with nearly $300 worth of new tires on my credit card (that I've been trying to pay off), a cranky toddler and an empty belly. I was tired and frustrated. I so wanted to pull into a McDonalds, or call for Chinese, or order a pizza. The last thing I wanted to do was cook dinner.
But I did. And it was wonderful. Falafel and sweet potato fries. Mmmm....
Also, I feel I should mention I have had a lot of "spiritual warfare" lately. I've noticed my anxiety has been creeping up on me, and I've been feeling a general sense of dread and sadness. Thankfully, I saw it for what it was and was able to pray for it specifically, which has helped astronomically.
Anyone else dealing with spiritual attacks?
Before lunch, I took Jacob on a walk outside. While down in the cul-de-sac I turned and looked at our home. And there were at least 20 shingles missing!!! I can't begin to tell you the panic that came to me then. I mean, crap! Why does this stuff always have to happen when my husband is deployed?
So I called USAA (insurance) and got some answers and figured that no matter what I'll be struggling with a little menage a trois between me, them and a roofer. Joy.
Then I went inside to make the baby a lunch. Why was it mac and cheese? I wanted to bury my troubles in its cheesy goodness. But that is precisely the kind of behavior that I'm trying to put a stop to. I was able to push through and make a veggie and bean burrito and a bowl of soup.
So fast forward to the late afternoon. I had to take my husband's car in for state inspection. I choose to do all of our car stuff at the Toyota dealership in Chesapeake. They are a bit slow but that have a nice new facility with a kids play room that has a TV and a door and everything. So I can just sit in there with Wild Man while he has fun for 2 hours.
I also brought my car in for some crazy lights that popped up (again) on the dash and once again were nothing. But I was informed that my car failed inspection (!?!?!) because of two tires. What? They were both passenger side tires. So rather than drive the car home, search for cheaper tires then get them put on and then return for another inspection I just decided to go ahead and get the tires put on right then and there. I paid maybe $20 more per tire there, and I think it was worth not having to turn it into another 9 billion trips.
Well, start temptation round #2. I was heading home with nearly $300 worth of new tires on my credit card (that I've been trying to pay off), a cranky toddler and an empty belly. I was tired and frustrated. I so wanted to pull into a McDonalds, or call for Chinese, or order a pizza. The last thing I wanted to do was cook dinner.
But I did. And it was wonderful. Falafel and sweet potato fries. Mmmm....
Also, I feel I should mention I have had a lot of "spiritual warfare" lately. I've noticed my anxiety has been creeping up on me, and I've been feeling a general sense of dread and sadness. Thankfully, I saw it for what it was and was able to pray for it specifically, which has helped astronomically.
Anyone else dealing with spiritual attacks?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Learning Lots
So here is the deal with me and food. I love food. I have a very emotional connection to food and cooking. This is not in reference to my emotional eating problem, but more like how I use food as symbols of care and love (ask anyone who's received cookies or bread from me). I can't always give up on food.
I had a friend a few years back who had very little connection to food. She ate to feed her body, and even expressed her delight in the thought that she wouldn't have to eat in heaven. I can't be that person.But what I can be is a person who puts food in its proper place. A person who can find the pleasure in food without living to eat.
I'm discovering that I can make really great meals without all the processed junk, or even basic things like eggs and dairy. Tonight I made whole wheat corn cakes and was able to substitute the eggs with baby food (sweet potatoes) and the buttermilk for soy milk with a touch of vinegar in it.
Prior to this fast, I was a Weight Watchers member. Let me say first, that they really do have a great program that really works if you stick to it. I, however was finding ways of bending the rules and I was squandering my points on things that did not feed my body. Even when I was really strict with the points I wouldn't lose. I think it is because I was living off of processed junk and fake sugars. I felt sick all the time and I had no energy. They have a segment of their program called Core, where certain foods (like veggies, whole grains etc) are an "eat until you're full" thing. I was always afraid to go on core because I knew I'd have to stop filling myself with junk. Now I realize that it would be the best thing for me. While on the fast I've been logging my points to see how this lifestyle adds up. It is not uncommon for me to go to bed satisfied but still have 1/3 of my daily points left over. Before I'd be working out just so I could eat more (how twisted is that?).
I feel like God is showing me how to put food in it's place, but still have it be a special thing to me. Food itself is not EVIL but the way I worshiped it was.
I'm going to continue to pray about my emotional eating. I gained 10lbs in the 40 days in between when my husband was going to Afghanistan and when he left. And even though I started going to the gym regularly I still gained weight. Food was there for me he couldn't be. It was not uncommon for me to have a bad, screaming baby day then eat like a Roman from the time he went down til I finally hauled my bloated body to my own bed. I told myself that I was stressed, and that I deserved it. But don't I deserve to handle my emotions in a normal way?
In the days since the fast began, my son has not been any better behaved (by toddler standards), but knowing I cannot just eat something obscene to put a band-aid on my feelings has caused me to react differently to the stresses of parenting.
God is good, and he has been seeing me through this challenge, and I am so excited to see what the coming 2 weeks will bring!
I had a friend a few years back who had very little connection to food. She ate to feed her body, and even expressed her delight in the thought that she wouldn't have to eat in heaven. I can't be that person.But what I can be is a person who puts food in its proper place. A person who can find the pleasure in food without living to eat.
I'm discovering that I can make really great meals without all the processed junk, or even basic things like eggs and dairy. Tonight I made whole wheat corn cakes and was able to substitute the eggs with baby food (sweet potatoes) and the buttermilk for soy milk with a touch of vinegar in it.
Prior to this fast, I was a Weight Watchers member. Let me say first, that they really do have a great program that really works if you stick to it. I, however was finding ways of bending the rules and I was squandering my points on things that did not feed my body. Even when I was really strict with the points I wouldn't lose. I think it is because I was living off of processed junk and fake sugars. I felt sick all the time and I had no energy. They have a segment of their program called Core, where certain foods (like veggies, whole grains etc) are an "eat until you're full" thing. I was always afraid to go on core because I knew I'd have to stop filling myself with junk. Now I realize that it would be the best thing for me. While on the fast I've been logging my points to see how this lifestyle adds up. It is not uncommon for me to go to bed satisfied but still have 1/3 of my daily points left over. Before I'd be working out just so I could eat more (how twisted is that?).
I feel like God is showing me how to put food in it's place, but still have it be a special thing to me. Food itself is not EVIL but the way I worshiped it was.
I'm going to continue to pray about my emotional eating. I gained 10lbs in the 40 days in between when my husband was going to Afghanistan and when he left. And even though I started going to the gym regularly I still gained weight. Food was there for me he couldn't be. It was not uncommon for me to have a bad, screaming baby day then eat like a Roman from the time he went down til I finally hauled my bloated body to my own bed. I told myself that I was stressed, and that I deserved it. But don't I deserve to handle my emotions in a normal way?
In the days since the fast began, my son has not been any better behaved (by toddler standards), but knowing I cannot just eat something obscene to put a band-aid on my feelings has caused me to react differently to the stresses of parenting.
God is good, and he has been seeing me through this challenge, and I am so excited to see what the coming 2 weeks will bring!
What I'm Fasting for Now!
Hey everyone! It's day 5 of the fast and God is just moving in my life and shaking things up around here! I've found a few things that I could eat every single meal [most specifically falafel] and I'm trying new recipes. I'm also getting a better sense of when I'm hungry, full, and when I would be "hungry" because I was bored. Then there's the things God has been doing externally!
So, just to recap, here's what I was fasting for:
1. Breaking my addiction to food [mostly sugar] and eating my feelings
2. Removing the idol that is food, naming him Bacchus and ousting him from God's place in my heart.
3. Daniel to be driven and soft before God about his life and specifically his vocation
4. That I would trust God would give me and my family our own place to live
5. That I would know God, and He would show me my place in His kingdom
In just five days, here's what I've already received:
1. As I remove sugar from my diet, I am breaking that addiction
2.There is a specific prayer to release that idol, and I'm working on making it an altar to the one true and holy Lord
3. Daniel has chosen the shipyard. I'm still fasting for more of the Lord in this.
4.God has shown me that what I hope for is ok to ask for! He shows me that He will provide a home for me, even if that means it's not exactly what I think. I'm not driving this train! I'm still fasting for this.
5.I've started going to a New Community class [yay, Dean!] about the spiritual gifts - exactly what I'm needing to show me my gifts [though I have an idea] and how I can fit into my place.
This is incredible! Well, if you think that's great, wait until you get a load of this! I've been praying for my younger brother Jeremy quite a bit. He doesn't work, is unhealthy, and doesn't provide a good role model for his two young daughters. I love him and really want a change for him. I've told him more than once if he ever wanted to move out of state that I would help him get into the monastery, get a job, and have a better life. Out of nowhere two days ago, I spoke to him and he was actually and seriously considering moving down here!! I couldn't believe it! I praised the Lord and am in the process of helping him achieve that end. Now, I have at new thing added to my fast list:
6. That the Lord would send the Holy Spirit to soften Jeremy's heart so he would be willing and ready to come down here, learn about Jesus, renew his faith, live in community, and seek better for himself.
If I don't fast for anything but that, it'll be worth it!
Jes
So, just to recap, here's what I was fasting for:
1. Breaking my addiction to food [mostly sugar] and eating my feelings
2. Removing the idol that is food, naming him Bacchus and ousting him from God's place in my heart.
3. Daniel to be driven and soft before God about his life and specifically his vocation
4. That I would trust God would give me and my family our own place to live
5. That I would know God, and He would show me my place in His kingdom
In just five days, here's what I've already received:
1. As I remove sugar from my diet, I am breaking that addiction
2.There is a specific prayer to release that idol, and I'm working on making it an altar to the one true and holy Lord
3. Daniel has chosen the shipyard. I'm still fasting for more of the Lord in this.
4.God has shown me that what I hope for is ok to ask for! He shows me that He will provide a home for me, even if that means it's not exactly what I think. I'm not driving this train! I'm still fasting for this.
5.I've started going to a New Community class [yay, Dean!] about the spiritual gifts - exactly what I'm needing to show me my gifts [though I have an idea] and how I can fit into my place.
This is incredible! Well, if you think that's great, wait until you get a load of this! I've been praying for my younger brother Jeremy quite a bit. He doesn't work, is unhealthy, and doesn't provide a good role model for his two young daughters. I love him and really want a change for him. I've told him more than once if he ever wanted to move out of state that I would help him get into the monastery, get a job, and have a better life. Out of nowhere two days ago, I spoke to him and he was actually and seriously considering moving down here!! I couldn't believe it! I praised the Lord and am in the process of helping him achieve that end. Now, I have at new thing added to my fast list:
6. That the Lord would send the Holy Spirit to soften Jeremy's heart so he would be willing and ready to come down here, learn about Jesus, renew his faith, live in community, and seek better for himself.
If I don't fast for anything but that, it'll be worth it!
Jes
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